Somnus

Posted on 17 Apr 2023 @ 6:39pm by Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins-Stevens & Civilian Iola Hawkins

Mission: Through the looking glass
Location: Counselors Office
1977 words - 4 OF Standard Post Measure

ON

It was getting late in the day but this meeting needed to happen. Iola's entire world had shifted in the last few days knocking her world askew... Cassie herself had felt the ripples of this and had her own struggles to come to terms with but something about Iola had told Cassie that this went deeper for Iola, much deeper.
C'Tora had already informed her that the young woman she was about to see had already reported struggles with sleeping which was to be expected so with that in mind Cassie had pulled out a bottle of wine that had been gifted to her at a psychology symposium some years ago by the guest speaker, a woman that Cassie had admired for many years in truth. She had intended to keep the bottle for a special occasion but this occasion right now demanded it.

The cork of the merlot popped as it parted with the neck of the château Picard branded bottle, the plum tones already filling the room as the chime sounded.
"Enter" she called as she lifted the first glass to fill it with the dark red liquid.

Unable to give herself posture, her expression drawn with large circles under her eyes, Iola walked in. Her hair didn't look as well groomed as she usually did, it was as if she'd given up on looking after herself even though the deep red dress she wore was at least clean. "Counselor," she greeted dully as she lowered herself into a chair. She was clearly trying to keep herself composed even though she felt she no longer had any tears left to cry.

Cassie had gathered up both glasses of wine, one for herself and one for Iola and crossed to where she had sat, extended a hand giving the Orion the drink.
"I thought you might need a friend right about now... I know we don't know each other well but I'm here if you need to talk!"

Iola accepted the glass and stared at the unknown liquid. "Michael was a friend... I thought..." She set the glass down on the table. "Before he died... Our last talk we fought, he said he wasn't right for me and was going to leave." Tears started to flow again, tears she thought she no longer had. "I didn't want him to but I yelled at him. I wanted him gone, and now I wish I had made him stay. But I didn't and I feel horrible."

It was a lot to unpack right of bat. Iola was feeling guilt at not keeping Michael with her instead of his going to his death, guilt at getting angry at him, sorrow at his declaring he wanted to leave her and finally some regret over the fight they had by and large. Where to start?

"Iola, I'm sorry... I had no idea that Michael had felt that way. You say you wanted him to go... Was that because of what he had said? Would keeping him there have been something you could have handled at the time?"

"I was angry, hurt. His words hurt, and I wanted him to go. I hoped he would come back later, to talk. Then I hear he died." She seemed to have trouble finding words now that she was struggling to sort through her feelings. "Keeping him would have meant he lived." She lifted her tear stained face a fraction. "I'm a former slave, I've dealt with worse than angry men." There seemed to be a touch of pride laced through clearly audible pain.

"Any one of the parts of this situation would be difficult to work through... You have multiple trauma's to work through and it is going to take time". The Counsellors words soft as she spoke knowing that Iola would be on a knifes edge.
"May I suggest something Iola... Unfiltered and as direct as I can be given what you are going through?"

The young woman nodded slowly as she tried to wipe the constant flow of tears from her face. "Sure...because I don't know what to do or how to be now. I am lost."

"You have two possible avenues. One, escape for a time, go and stay with family, centre yourself and allow yourself the time to heal and come to terms with whats happened", she paused a moment allowing her words to settle in with Iola before pressing on. "The second option is a little more direct... Confront whats happened. Spend time in Michaels surroundings and allow yourself to feel every thing in is raw form. It'll be hard but it could be very cathartic!"

"I do not have a family," Iola said softly, "I was baby when Don bought me. He raised me but is not father or mother. I do not know what family means. Not traditional. Michael showed me....in short time. But I still don't know. I stay in our quarters, I see his belongings." She paused a few seconds before looking up at the counselor. "What is ca..." She struggled with the word. "Ca-ta-tik?"

"Cathartic" the Counselor corrected. "It means to release the strong emotions through a particular activity or experience, in this instance that cathartic experience would be living in his shoes, so to speak!"

A look of pure confusion crossed the Orion woman's tear-stained features. "You want me to wear his shoes? What good does that do, they're way too big," she objected, "and I can't do his job either, I'm no engineer. I don't understand his work."

"Its a Human expression. It means to walk in his steps, be where he would have been, observe his life from the perspective of someone tracing his steps but not to actually exist as him."
Even now she wasn't sure she had explained it very well, she just could feel it in her core that Iola was not going to heal unless she took action.

"So be him," Iola took from that, "but I don't know how. I don't know his work, I barely know his friends or family...."

"Don't be him... Just trace his footsteps, where he would go" she was either explaining it badly which wouldn't surprise her in the least given how she was feeling or Iola was just so lost she wasn't understanding, which could be equally as true.

"I don't know where he would go...." Iola looked desperate. "I feel I don't know him at all now. I don't know what he would do...or where he would go. I can't really go through his things can I?"

"All of his belongings transfer to his wife so yes you can because his belongings are now your belongings. You do know where he would have gone, who he would have spoken to, you just need to take charge, own yourself and start pulling yourself together but still allow yourself the time to grieve!"
She was being blunt now, intentionally so.

Iola nodded. "I don't know how," she finally whispered. "I don't know this feeling... I've never felt this before.... how do I do that?"

"Its different for everyone Iola. This is why I repeat, give yourself time!" the fog seemed to be lifting from around Iola even if she was making things difficult on herself by refusing to help herself.

"I never had such time before," she said slowly, "I don't know how. I was slave until I came here, until Michael loved me and I was freed to be his wife. I never had my own life." Of course she had enjoyed certain freedoms as her Don had been a very mild and caring master. A father figure to her, to a degree. But she had still grown up a slave, a very structured life filled with service. "I need help, learning to do this," she pleaded.

"So what you are saying is he has left you with a legacy, something you can honour him with by embracing and becoming the woman he knew you could be. Let me ask you this: Would he have been so introverted if the roles had been reversed?" she paused a moment, letting those words sink in before pressing on. "In truth he wouldn't. He would have mourned as everyone else would but he would have moved forward, forged a life for himself from the hurt. As the Human saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Look at what you have faced and conquered already in your life... You are a far stronger person that you give yourself credit for but you need time to adjust. You don't get over something like this over night!"

Iola wondered if the counselor was listening at all... "But I don't know how," she said once again, "I don't know how to do things for myself. I've always had direction, getting told how or why. I never had things for myself before."

"If that is the case then life on a Starship isn't the place for you Iola, and I say that with no malice. We all have to depend on each other out here, everyone knows who they are and what they need to do without direction. If you are unable to adapt to your life here without Michael then this isn't the right place for you" the Counsellor paused a moment to take a deep breath. "I know my words sound harsh but it is the truth. You need to find a way to adapt, no one else can do that for you. If you can't then with your wellbeing in mind and the safety of the crew on Andromeda, I would be negligent within my duty to the safety of this crew and ship if I did not recommend to Captain Reynolds to have you removed to the nearest Starbase!"

It was a very bitter truth, shatteringly blunt and to the point. Not the best approach in dealing with a grieving widow but it seemed the only way to get through to Iola. She needed to take charge, she was the master of her own destiny not the man she had married or the slave master that once owned her. She needed to find her own feet... What was it her mother had said, "You and only you can grip your life by the balls and make something of it. No one else can do that for you!"

The Orion woman buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking as tears flowed freely once more. "But how," she wailed inconsolably, "I don't know how." She was all but a child left to her own devices now, needing to be taught how to do things on her own.

"I think we need to end this here Iola... I will be seeing you again tomorrow at about the same time. I know I sound harsh in everything I've said but you are the only person that can take charge of your life, no one else can... Please consider my words!" she shifted a box of tissues over to the young woman. "I will let you use my office to compose yourself. Take as long as you need!"

Again she felt like she was being harsh and uncompromising but in this instance it had to be done. Iola was lost and expecting others to live her life for her. As a Counsellor she would be remised if she did not start breaking Iola of this and the bitter truth was the only thing going to get through to her would be forcing her to confront her life on her own terms.
It broke her heart to hear the young Orion cry the way she was but she had to leave and let Iola cry it out alone.

OFF

Iola Hawkins
lost child
pnpc Aidan

Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins
Ships Counsellor
USS Andromeda