Too much of everything

Posted on 17 Apr 2023 @ 6:40pm by Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins-Stevens & Lieutenant Syvar MD
Edited on on 17 Apr 2023 @ 6:42pm

Mission: R&R - Styx Outpost 2
Location: Counselor's Office
2459 words - 4.9 OF Standard Post Measure

He had taken naps where able but between caring for his patients, and caring for his family there hadn't been much time. Syvar was at the end of his capabilities, he was beyond worry and exhaustion.

Even though Vulcans had quite a bit more endurance and stamina, Syvar felt he was falling well short of such limits. He had large circles under his eyes, and he felt far more emotional than usual. To the point of having been told by the nurses he was bordering on irritable. "Counselor, do you have a moment?" He asked as he peered around the doorframe.

Cassie was replacing some books on the bookcase in the corner of the room, unaware she was being observed from the open door. The voice was recognised as soon as the first syllable was uttered even if it did catch her by surprise.
"Of course, anything for you Syvar... Come on in and close the door on your way!"

Hurridly replacing the book and moving back towards the comfortable seating as she heard the door slide closed, thankful that no one from the medical facility would be able to over hear their conversation. She had no idea why he may want to see her and it was often unheard of for a Vulcan to want to see a Counsellor which concerned Cassie even more.
"What can I do for you?"

"I don't know who else to turn to," Syvar confessed as the door closed behind him and he followed her. He flopped down in one of the seats and cast the woman a haunted look. "I don't know how long I can go on with this... I love her to pieces I really do, but this was the second time this happened, and the second time she didn't remember me. And it's not just me now, it's our girls too... What if something happens? What if I'm dragged down with it? I'm so scared..."

"Syvar!" Cassie had stopped in her tracks, caught unprepared for the emotion spilling from the Vulcanoid's lips like an unbound waterfall. Granted she didn't know the man well but she considered him a friend yet his Vulcan heritage had implied, at least to her, that he was in control of his emotions. She was kicking herself for that assumption.

"Are you talking about Commander Fox?"
She abandoned what she was doing and moved to sit across from Syvar, really looking at him this time, for the first time possibly and allowing herself to look past the pointed ears to really see the man.

The Vulcan nodded slowly, his normally bright green eyes dull with fear and exhaustion. "Commander Fox, Amelia...my mate." He drew in a deep breath in an attempt to gain some level of control. "My wife, mother of our twin daughters. Babies she failed to recognize when she got sick again. She didn't even recognize me!"

It appears she had missed things going on around the ship, something that given her position was unforgivable. Iola and now Syvar had both declared things that she should have been clued in on but she had missed it all the same.
"You may need to fill me in Syvar... With the goings on around the ship I appear to have missed things!"

"Fill you in on what? That Commander Fox is my mate? That we have twin daughters?" While technically not birth twins, technically in a way they still were but Syvar had decided that for their own sanity, the girls would be twins in every way possible. "or that somehow, Amelia had reverted to a child-like version of herself a second time? The first time happened a while ago, she was very very pregnant and became very sick. I had to..." He paused, shaking his head as he firmly bit his lip almost bloody. "I disobeyed orders to get to her, I wasn't to go down to the planet but what was I to do?"

Again this wasn't exactly true because he'd been tricked into going, drugged and then left behind with no other alternative but to go look for his wife anyway. Even so, it still did feel to him as having disobeyed, despite it being partly beyond his control. "Which part of it?" he asked as he watched her with fearful eyes.

"I know Commander Fox is your wife and you have children... It was the the failing to recognize your daughters that caught me a little of guard. I know I've not been in the Counselor position very long so there are many things I'm not privy to!"
She didn't need to be an empath to sense just how hurt and upset he was despite his Vulcan emotional control.

"She reverted to a child version of herself, losing all memories she gained as an adult, including me and our girls. It was a very frightening experience, being bonded to her. I couldn't reach her."

"I read the reports. Was it not due to some external force that was ultimately cured?" she asked tentatively.

"I think so.." Syvar wasn't sure, he felt unable to think straight. He ran his fingers through his hair, rubbing his hands over his face. "I never thought it'd happen again. And how do we keep it from ever happening again now? " He knew he was rambling. "How do I see the signs faster?"

"You learn from what has happened before, as with all of us." she spoke softly recalling similar situations in the records that she had been scanning through and one case in particular came to mind. "Have you ever read the reports from the Enterprise D about their run in with the Satarran's and how the crew of the Enterprise had their memory wiped and subsequently drawn into the Satarran Lysian war?"

Syvar shook his head. "No ma'am, I haven't. I just hope this will never happen to her again. It was so difficult... I wanted to be near her, to be there for her but she wanted nothing of me. It was like she wasn't there at all. Amelia's memory wasn't wiped ma'am...it was...suppressed."

"And that's what happened to the crew of the Enterprise. Their memories had been suppressed and they had then been forced to take part in a war against an inferior foe... How do you think they felt and coped knowing they had been the instruments of destruction for people who can not defend against us, that they had been forced into a position of not knowing themselves?"
Her tone still soft but pushing through Syvar's introspection. He was a husband who cared but in the same token he and his wife had signed up to Starfleet knowing that the unexpected was more than a risk, it was a guarantee.

"I don't know," the young doctor admitted, "they probably felt violated. I know only too well how that feels. I have been in such a position , having been forced to do things without hope of warning someone for fear of risking their lives. I don't know what caused Amelia's condition, or why and that's what makes it so difficult to treat or prevent." The humiliation and shame of his own ordeal still weighed heavily on him, but it was outweighed by his love and worry for his mate.

"And you have just described in medical terms what I have just said in layman terms... Starfleet is about expecting the unexpected and handling it as best we can!" she was matter of fact at the point now that she had to pierce the veil of self recrimination that enshrouded him. "If something was to happen to her again and you fall back into this pit of despair then who is going to be about to help her recover? Who is going to be there to support your children through it?"

"Me," the Vulcan answered slowly, "because there is no-one else. I can't afford this feeling, but I can't help it. I'm trying counselor, but I'm scared. It all happened so fast, getting married, having a child and then suddenly having two. Always the fear of her counterpart trying to take my daughter away from me. I've not been in such a situation before, I don't think I've ever felt this scared in my life before... well, before meeting Amelia anyway....either of them. Am I making any sense at all?"

"You are and honestly, with the exception of the wifes doppelganger, you are describing parenthood and dealing with things that can arise to test any family!"
It felt like she was trapped in a paradox loop. Both of her recent meetings had been with people struggling with just existing, or in truth, drowning in life. Granted Syvar was in a much better state, he was just a father and Husband who needs to unload his worries on someone. Her previous meeting... That had been an entirely different situation.

A sense of relief seemed to wash over him, though the worry didn't leave his eyes. "I just don't want to lose them," he admitted, "I'd be lost, without them. And I can't get lost." He paused. "You know my parents are Human, right? That I grew up on Earth, among Humans?"

"I suspected when you started talking about your emotions... I will admit I only ever saw the pointed ears so I assumed you were Vulcan to the core!"
She smiled, for the first time through the meeting by and large.

"Hardly...I'm told I wear mine on my sleeve on more than one occasion, including by my adopted parents. My birth parents left Vulcan when I was very young, because they couldn't handle the rigidity of control. Do you know what V'Tosh means, or who and what they are?" Syvar paused, briefly looking away. "It's what I am...."

"I have never heard the term V'Tosh", she said curiously.

"V'Tosh ka'tur, Vulcan without logic," Syvar answered, "an emotional Vulcan. We choose to emote, rather than live our lives directed by logic. I can apply it if I'm required to. I can control if I really do need to but I have difficulty doing so, thus I choose not to. I allow my choices to be affected by how I feel."

"Actually that does ring a bell... You have learnt to combine both emotion and logic within your day to day lives... However, if memory serves, some of the most notable criminals within Vulcan society were also V'Tosh ka'tur. Sybok for instance?"
It was flooding back to her now as this had constituted an entire semester at the academy.

"I don't know if Sybok was a criminal. Seriously misguided, perhaps," Syvar noted. "But yes essentially that minus the logic part in my case as I wasn't raised Vulcan. There are people who don't understand , who judge on the lack of control. Amelia never did, she accepted me as I am. Though... she did have to save me first as I was ... misguided too, and kind of... attached to her mirror counterpart. Her love and loyalty saved me so I owe her a great deal you see. And our daughter is a result of said love. And my other daughter is a constant reminder of my misguidance. But she can never be faulted for it and she'll never know her true origin if I have any say. We intend to raise them as twins. Only a handful of people know the truth. But it does weigh on me."

"How could he not be. He co-opted a group of misguided people on Nimbus three, took three diplomatic hostages as well as Captain Kirk and his crew. Lets not forget he stole the Enterprise A... If memory serves."
How could Syvar not see Sybok as a criminal, or was he simply needling her. Either which was it was his choice and way of life, she would accept him as he was.

"Started by the misguidance that he needed to find some kind of God." Syvar shrugged. "I feel he was very misguided. I obviously only know of him, I'm way too young to have met him. I feel pity for him, however. Don't you?"

"Not at all. He used his status as a V'Tosh Ka'tur to cause havoc and he did it willingly, not matter how misguided his belief was, it doesn't give leave to commit murder, theft and then place the lives of a few hundred people at risk in pursuit of it!"
She was matter of fact again, no malice in her tone at all because this did happen many years previous to her time.

"From what I understand he didn't want to hurt anyone. That's not the Vulcan way, do achieve things through violence. That didn't start until Kirk arrived and fighting ensued." Again the young man shrugged. "I'm not like him though, even though I probably may have caused harm if Amelia hadn't found me. Our Amelia. And I still regret not having told the captain when I first met ...her....the other Fox. But that's something that won't happen again."

"Now... how do you feel?" pulling the conversation right back to their original topic having told him what he needed to hear and then defused the situation with debate on a completely unrelated topic.

Syvar smiled, a little more genuine now. "Better," he answered honestly, "thank you."

"Good, then my work here is done!" Cassie went to stand, clearing the tea away as she went. "One down just about a thousand to go!"

"Oh?" Surprise flickered across the Vulcan's face as he too stood. "Surely, you're seeing Amelia too? And me... surely... we're not all done?" There was no way he believed that he was 'cured' of his fears in a what..ten minute talk?

"Figure of speak my friend. I just mean that's one appointment out of the way with plenty more to come!" she couldn't help but laugh a little. He was definitely Vulcan even if his emotions were clearly directing him.

"I'll leave you to it then ma'am," Syvar said, "but you'll be speaking with Amelia too, right?"

"I will be!" she placed hand on his arm and squeezed it gently, not wanting to put any more physical contact between then but she hoped he would receive it as the sign of encouragement she had intended it as.

Syvar flinched as he was touched, visibly so before he caught himself. "Thank you counselor," he said as he moved away from her touch. "When should we meet again?"

"I'll find you both before Commander Fox is released from sickbay... Now go, spend some time with her and your kids!"

END

Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins
Ships Counsellor
USS Andromeda

Ensign Syvar
Medical Officer
USS Andromeda