Heal Thy Self

Posted on 01 May 2023 @ 6:59pm by Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins-Stevens & Captain Jonathan Reynolds

Mission: R&R - Styx Outpost 2
Location: Deep Space 21 - Promenade, Upper Level
1433 words - 2.9 OF Standard Post Measure

ON

It was late in the day, most of the shops below had started to close up shop, the last of which was an Orion man who ran a grocery store, he was met by another Orion, a female who seemed to have Klingon ridges, the kissed as the lights dropped within the store and the pair started to walk away. Less than an hour ago it was bustling with life and sound but now it was a different place, more like herself after what she had been through. Hollow, as if carved out.

The lilting noises of mirth could be heard emanating from Niska's bar, very much the mirror to her own life. She could hear the sounds, she could experience the life but it all seemed distant, as if she was detached from it by degree's of separation.

A lonely tear started to cut a path down her cheek with the knowledge that she was slowly starting to push away the people who she loved and respected. Ollie, the Captain... The only person she seemed to have genuinely been of comfort to recently was Lieutenant Matthews and much of what she had advised her was exactly what she needed to do herself which had brought her to this moment.

She turned from the railing in favour of the view from the windows, the rest of the station sprawling out before her, a docking pylon arching over the station true with the Andromeda's underbelly on display. She swiped with a finger along her cheek, wiping away the errant tear as she could hear the footsteps approaching.

"Thank you for meeting me Commander... It's been a while and I'm sorry to interrupt your leave... I just don't know where else to turn!"

"Luckily we both had shore leave at the same time," the blond laughed. "I bet I look a lot larger than last time we met," she chuckled as she lowered her heavily pregnant body into a chair near where she was stood watching the view.

"What can I do for you Cassie?" she asked once she was convinced the chair would take her weight.

"Have you seen any of the reports from the Andromeda's recent mission?" Cassie asked tentatively still unsure herself if any of it had been classified by Starfleet.

"All we know is rumours. A large chunk of its been sealed up. Officially the record states you disappeared mysteriously from here. Unofficially some people are saying people got stoned on the bridge although I'm not sure how that fits in. What did happen?"

"I'm not sure how much I can divulge but it was a shit show Caroline not least of all the Telepathic being that effectively took control of a comatose crewmember and me. It almost crippled the Security Chief, it did kill our Chief Engineer... I was its puppet. I was able to see and feel but I had no control. I could do nothing to protect my crew... I was violated and used!" her words ramping up in emotion with each syllable, tears threatening to spill.

"Ok you know what," Caroline said as she processed what she had just said. "Your going to need a drink. I know just the place. Niska's".

Cassie composed herself with some self effort as she fell in step beside Caroline.

A little while later, Caroline returned from the bar and pushed the glass in Cassies direction. "I can't wait till I don't have to have virgin ones anymore. Although giving up coffee is inevitably harder."

"You could still have Synthahol!" Cassie exclaimed as she downed her first shot of Absinthe with a second lined up. It took a moment for her to realise that the flavour was stronger than she had expected... Niska was serving the real stuff.

"So your working through some guilt Cass. And your working out some trauma. If you had a patient who came to you with the exact same things. What tools in the counselor tool box would you be pulling out for them?" she asked.

"First call would be attempting to enlighten the patient to a more productive mindset, second stage would be Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and maybe Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy although possibly Exposure Therapy as well but only in certain circumstances" or they would be the main go too's that she would consider in the first and second instances.

Caroline signalled Niska and the Orion walked over and placed a bottle down not saying a word.

"Ok so productive mindset. Quite frankly I know you and your diving straight into work. Safe, your day to day. Look how quickly you reeled off 4 different techniques. And that's after 2 shots. And in a bar.

Your deflecting from going there yourself. Why else would you need me in person? You have other counselor's on your ship. You know all the theory and all the steps. Your just too dam strong for your own good. Double edged sword. But you never could let yourself let your guard down too much. So Im here. If it takes all of that bottle, your dropping the armour Cass."

"I can't let my crew see me... How could I face them if they knew what I was going through. I'd feel like they would loose confidence in me... and yes I know that is not letting my guard down" she downed another shot of the bitter sweet green liquid, the effects of the real alcohol starting to lift her into the opening stage of tipsy. Honesty was on the cards and she decided that perhaps now was the moment before she was to far gone that Caroline had to call security to get her back to Andromeda.

"Truth... I feel like I have been raped, not physically" she corrected "Every time Ollie comes near me, touches me, starts to get closer to me... I just can't let him near me. He was engaged to Xu, he had a daughter with her who turned out to be an interdimensional deity and now I'm expected to deal with the mental health of the crew when I'm struggling myself..." she flashed a lopsided smile at Caroline, the tears slipping silently down her cheeks as she swipped them away. "In a nutshell!"

"Take a break away. Even for a couple of weeks. Its not loosing face. Its doing exactly what you professionally tell others to do. Take time to work through their shit," Caroline told her simply. "How can they trust you if you don't practice what you preach?

And then you work on chewing down the fact It was not your fault. Acknowledge your feelings of guilt and fear. That's your starting point. You know that Cass," Caroline said. "And talk to Oliver or you will push him away. And going by before all this happened how happy you were. The things you said. You do not want to risk loosing him."

"I plan on talking to him next... I just wanted to speak to you first". She gulped down another shot, and another and then a final one. "Have you ever been to Ba'ku... I hear its a relaxing place?"

"Hey miss stop deflecting. But yes I have. And I might try go back once this ones born. My Captain was post birth when we went. Pulled her body right back in all the right places," she said.

"Do you want kids Cass?"

"I'm not deflecting... I'm planning a surprise vacation. I'm taking your advise and running with it and I'm going to talk to Ollie and maybe get some practice in on the making babies thing!" she could feel her own flinch at the prospect of letting Ollie touch her, not because she was revolted by him, far from it, she really did love him. It was more about this feeling of violation she needed to conquer.

"I think some time away from the uniform, lounging in front of a pool getting a tan, drinking too much and spending that time with Ollie might be just what we both need!"

"I concur and Baku is particularly beautiful," she nodded. "Go relax and you will reboot."

"Yes sir!" Cassie smiled and for the first time in a few days it felt like a real smile, the weight that Atlas had been carrying was starting to lift. "Do you have time for some window shopping before you go?"

"That all depends if your going to help pull me up out of this chair," Caroline quipped.

OFF

Lieutenant Cassandra Higgins
Ships Counsellor
USS Andromeda

Commander Caroline McPhee
Ships Counsellor
USS Merlin - PNPC Reynolds